


i'll be stumbling away

by elliefvckingwilliams



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Ellie goes home to Jackson, F/F, I'll probably change the tags as I go along, Set after the epilogue, She's trying to get better okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25016236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elliefvckingwilliams/pseuds/elliefvckingwilliams
Summary: She squeezes her eyes shut-- now isn't the fucking time, Dina. Focus on saving her so that you can slap her round the face later.// Dina's back in Jackson, Ellie's on her way home, Tommy's missing, everyone's trying to adjust to the new normal.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 55
Kudos: 361





	1. trying to live

**Author's Note:**

> honestly, i loved tlou2. the story was brutal and thrilling at the same time, and *unpopular opinion* i thought that playing as abby was pretty cool. but, we all have different opinions, so of course some people weren't really into that 🌿
> 
> // this story picks up about a month after the epilogue

She had to leave.

How could she stay there, at the house that they dreamed of together, not knowing whether Ellie was alive, let alone where she was?

At first, she had hoped. Hoped with every ounce of her being, that Ellie would come home. But Ellie had always been stubborn, and deep down Dina knew that Ellie’s head was still in Seattle, reliving it again and again and again.

No matter how many times Dina told her, _you didn’t fail, Ellie. You didn’t fail Joel, you didn’t fail Tommy, you didn’t fail Jesse, you didn’t fail yourself,_ Ellie was set on believing that she lost.

Dina was losing hope then, but, after a particularly bad panic attack, she started seeing changes. Ellie stopped just existing, she started living again. She played her guitar, for JJ sometimes, but mostly just for Dina, in the quiet moments they shared together. She started making those god-awful jokes again, and Dina was always adamant that she hated them, but they always brought a smile to her face. She kissed Dina like she _felt_ something, told her she loved her with the fierceness that Dina remembers used to so freely consume Ellie.

Then Tommy showed up.

Dina wasn’t an idiot, she knew that Ellie was never going to let go of Abby, but she was learning to accept everything, Ellie was learning to accept that she’s allowed to carry on, allowed to push Seattle away from her mind.

But then Tommy showed up, with a map and a half-plan that only reversed and undid all of Ellie’s progress. Dina had yelled at him, cursed at him, cried alone in the field because she already knew what Ellie would do.

“I have to finish it.”

Dina knew she couldn’t stop her. But she tried anyway, it didn’t work and Ellie left, and maybe, a part of Dina left with her.

So then Dina waited, a week, a month, a little longer, but she never came back. Ellie’s things were everywhere, her voice still lingered in the halls, her scent still clung to the bedsheets, and so Dina had to leave.

She had to.

* * *

It takes her a few seconds to realise that everything is completely silent.

Then a few more seconds for her to register that she’s lying in her bed, in her house, in Jackson, where silence is good because it means that JJ is asleep and she can get a full night’s rest.

Dina sighs, rubbing at her eyes as she swings her legs off the bed, quietly because any noise would most likely wake JJ and yank this blissful silence away from her.

It’s early, sunlight is barely leaking through the gaps in the torn drapes. She pads lightly across the hardwood floor, shrugging on a hoodie that’s too big for her and slipping out of the bedroom. The hallway is bare, the frames on the walls empty, the carpet threadbare where it’s been treaded over countless times.

She sits alone in the kitchen, sipping on a glass of water and watching the time on the clock tick by. There’s only a few hours until she has to drop JJ at the day-care and then head for her shift at the clinic. It’s a slow morning, just Dina and her basically empty house, her bare feet and her too-big hoodie with the sleeves that hang past her hands.

She drops JJ off after a quick breakfast of leftover soup from the night before, he giggles and grabs at her fingers, she smiles softly and smooths his already unruly dark hair down. He’s getting so big.

The clinic is also quiet, Dina’s grateful for the easy day she’s been granted, she bandages a few sprained wrists and cradles a new born and comforts the mother. She doesn’t see any blood, for once, and for that she’s also grateful, it stirs things she’d rather be left alone and her shoulder twinges and she— she doesn’t see any blood.

She does hear screams though, they come from one of the back rooms. Dina hasn’t been anywhere but the main med bay since she got back to Jackson. But she can’t avoid the screams, they send her right back to Seattle, make her see those shaking hands, the red-splattered cheeks, that fucking tattoo.

Then she goes back home, grabs JJ on the way, bouncing him on her hip as she waves at everyone she passes. She doesn’t stop to make small talk. JJ’s already eaten his dinner, so she sets him in his rocker and eats alone, staring at the top of the empty chair across from her.

When JJ drifts to sleep, she listens to his breathing, watches his eyelashes flutter in dreams that are hopefully better than any place he’ll ever grow up to find in this world. It’s a normal day, for her, for them, just another day that’ll drift into nothingness when she repeats it tomorrow.

She lays awake in the cold bed and gazes at the wall, at the chipped paint washed warm tones by the lamp in the corner of the room. It takes her a while to accept that the house’s silence is good, because silence means that JJ is asleep and Dina can get some much-needed rest.

* * *

Fucking clickers. 

Ellie groans, cradling her arm where she’d caught it on the smashed glass in her wild escape from the building she’d been trying to cut through. She ran out of bandages a week ago, so now she just grits her teeth and tries to ignore the stinging pain.

It’s not ideal, but she’s sure that soon enough the sting will blend into the relentless pain she feels all over and then she’ll forget about it.

She’s been going like this for almost a month now, the first two weeks started as aimless walking, she hadn’t cared about anything enough to bother with a destination.

She’d ended up at a run-down gas station in the middle of fucking nowhere, a gas-station that she knew straight away was overrun with infected. Ellie had run out of ammo already, she was hungry and tired and alone, and-- she’ll never tell anybody but, she’d wanted to die. She had sat outside that gas station and listened to the clickers and the runners and the stalkers, she had seriously considered just locking herself in with them. So that everything would stop.

But then she’d heard a baby cry somewhere in her fucked up head, and she stopped. She ran as far from that gas station as she could before she collapsed, hungry and tired and alone but alive.

From then on, her end destination was Jackson. She would get back to Jackson.

So here Ellie is, stumbling and staggering through the trees, desperately willing herself to stay conscious for just a bit longer. The pain that shoots through her body with each step is worth it, it has to be worth it.

Night falls and she’s still going, terrified that if she stops she’ll never get up again. The darkness is only penetrated by the flickering beam of her torch, the silence only broken by her harsh breathing and the snapping of twigs underfoot. She’s going to make it.

And she does.

Jackson comes into view, and Ellie almost smiles. The towering wall seems so much taller since the last time she was here. It’s hard to believe that there was a time when she could scale it effortlessly.

A spotlight shines in her face, followed by a shout for her to stop walking. Ellie holds a hand up against the light and tries to muster enough strength to yell back, but her throat is too dry for anything intelligible to be said.

The gate creaks open, footsteps edge towards her, Ellie doesn’t have to look at them to know there’s a gun trained on her. 

“I’ll be damned,” Ellie’s eyes meet the man’s, he’s called Martin, she recalls, they used to be on the same group patrol. “Ellie _fucking_ Williams.”

Ellie doesn’t smile. 

He shouts for everyone to lower their weapons, it’s fine, she’s safe. And that’s all she has to know for her knees to give out, for her to let go of the strength she’s been forcing herself to have.

The last thing she hears is someone yelling for a medic.

* * *

“ _Dina_!”

Her eyes snap open, she jolts into a sitting position, her hand reaching out to the nightstand for a gun that isn’t there. She exhales shakily, pushing hair out of her face as her heartrate slows back to normal.

“ _Dina_!”

It startles her, she frowns, standing up hesitantly to peek out of the window into the street. The low light doesn’t really allow her to see much. “Who’s there?”

“It’s Maria.”

Dina’s no stranger to late night visits, especially not Maria’s late night visits. Ever since Tommy went missing, Maria’s been partial to sitting in Dina’s living room with a glass of whiskey. They never talk, but there’s an understanding between them, they’re both going through the same thing, they know what the other is feeling like.

She heads down the empty hall, through the dark house, opens the door to let Maria in. “Hi, Ma-“ She cuts herself off at the look on the woman’s face. Her heart stops for a second.

“Tommy’s back?”

A shake of the head.

Dina’s stomach twists. “No— it’s not— she’s not—”

“I’ll get JJ, you—”

But Dina’s already running, across the street, suddenly wide awake. Her chest fluttering and her hands are shaking, “Fuck,” She breathes into the wind, the people around her blending into nothing as she runs like she’s back in Seattle, trying to escape the wolves, the clickers, the shamblers, or whatever other fucked up stuff that city was hiding. 

The closer she gets to the clinic the more she realises that word spreads fast, there’s too many people out and about for this time of night, there’s too many lights on for everything to be fine.

She bursts into the clinic, and with no hesitance in her steps she heads straight for the back rooms, pushing past the night-duty volunteers. The first room is empty, so’s the second, but the third—the third room is full, frantic med volunteers scrambling around, a few guys she recognises from patrols, and at the centre of it all—

Ellie _fucking_ Williams.

Dina gasps, lurching forward, ignoring the protests, she slumps into the chair besides the bed. “Ellie,” She mumbles, and there’s tears sliding down her face, it’s strange, this should be a happy moment.

But it’s not, because Ellie’s so thin, her freckles blending with red splatters, standing out starkly against too-pale skin. And the blood— there’s so much of it, staining Ellie’s torn clothes, her arms, her legs, Dina has to glance away briefly.

It’s a much needed moment of clarity, and then she’s on her feet, pushing away the young woman cleaning Ellie’s arm, taking the alcohol and the cloth from her purposefully. “I’ve got it. Have you done a check-up? What’s the worst part?”

“Uh, there’s a lot. There’s two bite marks, but she’s immune, or that’s what Maria said, so? And her hand, it’s—” Dina looks down, blanching at the sight of the three fingers on Ellie’s left hand. Three fingers and two stubs.

“ _Okay_ , okay. I need bandages, tweezers, there’s glass in her shoulder, knowing her it’s probably in her leg too, anaesthetics too, in case she wakes up, I don’t want her awake in this state,”

Everyone clears out of the room eventually, and then it’s just Dina and Ellie, Ellie and Dina, like it always is, like it always was.

Until Ellie left.

She squeezes her eyes shut— now isn’t the fucking time, Dina. Focus on saving her, save her so that you can slap her round the face later. She opens her eyes and carries on.

An hour passes, then two, and then Dina settles again in the chair by Ellie’s bed, fully aware that Ellie isn’t waking up for a while but still fully intent on staying here until she does.

Ellie Williams will be the death of her, that’s for fucking sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ellie fucking williams
> 
> (leave a comment please i need validation)


	2. it's a long road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started my second place through of tlou2, wish me luck for my second round of heartbreak ;)

“Ellie! Help me, Ellie!”

She’s trying.

Her legs are burning, her eyes are stinging with tears, but she keeps running, looking around frantically. Where is he?

“Ellie!”

The basement. She flies down the steps, throws the door open, steps inside, reckless in the worst way. He’s there alright, laying on the floor like he’s already dead. Ellie reaches out, to help him up, to get him out, but then there’s a flash of silver and a deadly slice, she screams in pain at the loss of two of her fingers.

She’s forced to watch through squinted eyes as her world comes crashing down with the bar as it smashes into his head. No. Fucking get up. Get up, she wants to say, but no words come out and a gun clicks, shit shit shit they’re going to kill her too.

There’s another cry, this time from further away, “Ellie!” She writhes out of the arms of whoever was holding her, bursts out of the basement desperately. Someone’s with her now, Jesse, she breathes in relief, he’ll help her.

But then they sprint into the next room, a run-down theatre, and Jesse collapses with a bang, a scream tears itself from her throat, guttural like a fucking animal. “Ellie!” It’s Tommy, laying at the feet of a woman too muscular for the apocalypse, Ellie starts forward to save him, to kill her, but there’s another shot and Tommy’s body falls lifeless.

“I’ll fucking kill you!” Ellie shrieks, throwing herself at the woman. They fall together, Ellie on the bottom clawing up at the woman’s face, but then suddenly she’s wet, she can’t breathe, she’s drowning. Where the fuck did the water come from?

“You murdered my friends! Mel was fucking pregnant!” Ellie’s head gets slammed into the ground, hard enough for her to black out for a second. When she wakes up she’s strung up like those bodies in Seattle, infected hanging around her, watching Dina crawl desperately away from the woman.

“Ellie! Help me!”

Ellie struggles in the ropes but she can’t move, “She’s pregnant,” She chokes out pleadingly, and the woman pauses. Raw relief twists inside of Ellie’s chest, but it’s shattered as the woman smiles cruelly, lifting the bar in her hands higher.

“Good.”

Ellie’s screams mingle with Dina’s, she thrashes around in her bonds, helpless as Dina crumples to the floor. She’s gone. She’s gone and Ellie’s alone, she screams again, the sound breaking off into sobs that wrack her whole body. Her own voice echoes everywhere, ruthless in her own cruelty. 

_“I’ll fucking kill you,”_

_“I can make it quick. Or, I can make it so much worse.”_

_“You made him a part of this.”_

_“Go.”_

* * *

Ellie jerks awake and out of that fucking dream, her hands coming up to protect herself against someone who isn’t there. She slumps back onto the sheets, cold despite the many blankets piled atop her.

Blankets.

Jackson.

 _Home_.

She’s home. Ellie exhales unsteadily at this realisation. She feels clean, someone’s definitely washed all the blood off her, her body aches but she recognises the familiar scratch of bandages, the smell of the clinic.

There’s a warmth pressed against her arm, though she doesn’t register it for a few quiet minutes. She turns her head slowly, half in fear for the pain moving faster would cause, half in fear for what she’ll see.

Dina.

Ellie gasps softly, awe and relief and fear and regret and shame and love.

She stares, unsure of what to do, of what she’s allowed to do. Why is Dina here? Ellie thought— or, rather, she tried not to think –that what she did was unforgivable, that Dina would never want to see her again.

Her hand moves by itself; she can’t help it, she rests it lightly on top of Dina’s, feeling the warmth that the other girl radiates, letting it envelope her in comfort.

She doesn’t fall back to sleep, she’s been having trouble with it recently, and why would she ever want to close her eyes with Dina sitting right there? Ellie’s not sure what’ll happen to her, to them, when Dina does wake up, so she doesn’t want to waste any time now.

Dina’s eyelashes flutter slightly, it causes a pang in her chest for a little baby boy who’s eyelashes do the same, and Ellie wonders if Dina will ever let her see JJ again. Probably not.

But she knew that when she left, so she has no right to even ask. She knew what she was doing, leaving Dina and JJ and their home, abandoning it all for her stupid attempt at revenge.

Ellie sighs, moving her hand from Dina’s regretfully. The movement stirs Dina, but Ellie isn’t ready to see those eyes again, she’s still terrified to see what emotion they’ll hold when they look at her, so she reaches out to calm Dina back into sleep.

It doesn’t work.

Dina shifts in her chair and then groans something about her back, still shaking off sleep as Ellie watches her carefully. Dina glances around confusedly for a second as if she’s unsrue where she is, they skate over Ellie quickly before snapping back to her.

Ellie does her best to smile. “Told you I didn’t plan on dying.” Her voice is scratchy from being used for nothing but screaming, but she sounds more like herself than she has in months.

Dina’s face is unreadable but still Ellie aches for the familiarity of it. “I hate you.” She whispers.

Ellie blinks. That’s not what she’d been anticipating, it’s something she feared, of course, but— The sheets rustle as she tries to ease herself up into a sitting position, Dina pushes her back into the pillows gently. “You have to lie down, dumbass.”

A few seconds pass before Ellie finds the words to reply with, “I’m sorry.” It’s a loaded statement, both she and Dina know it, neither of them mention it, but it hangs in the air between them until Dina speaks.

“I know.” 

* * *

Dina stays until Ellie falls back to sleep again, but then she has to leave because Ellie’s words are reverberating everywhere and she just— she can’t.

_I’m sorry._

_I know._

What a mess.

She walks hurriedly down the street, her jacket drawn tightly around her body, for once not stopping to wave at anybody. She feels the eyes watching her, hears Ellie’s name thrown about like it’s just the newest piece of gossip.

“Ellie Williams back in town? Thought she was dead, to be honest.”

“Yes, I thought she killed herself, poor girl. Grief is really something terrible.”

“Fuck her. She’s the reason Tommy’s gone, the reason Jesse’s gone, the reason Joel’s gone. She should have stayed away.”

Dina has to restrain from turning around and decking the man who said the last one. But she doesn’t need more attention than they’re already getting, so she just pulls her jacket tighter and moves faster.

Maria answers after the first knock on her door with a warm smile and a warmer invitation to come in. Dina tries to decline politely, but Maria just rolls her eyes and ushers her inside.

She sips tea from the mug Maria had thrust into her hands and lightly bounces a half-asleep JJ on her knee as she does so. Maria’s the first to pull them out of silence.

“How is she?”

How is Ellie? Hurt, two fingers down, emotionally and physically exhausted, more of a dumbass than ever.

“About as well you’d expect her to be, considering everything.”

Maria nods. “So not great?”

“Not great.” Dina confirms grimly, taking another sip of tea.

“And how are you doing?”

Dina sighs, that’s a harder question to answer. If this was yesterday, she’d have said that she’s alright. She’s okay, she’s happy with JJ, and sure, she has nightmares now she misses Ellie as much as she needs oxygen, but— she’s alright.

But now Ellie’s here, just across town, lying broken in a hospital bed hopefully dreaming good dreams. Dina’s not sure how she’s doing.

“It’s not a trick question, Dina. You can be honest.” Maria smiles kindly, so Dina takes a deep breath and hopes Maria is ready to hear how messed up her head is right now.

“Well,” Dina starts, “Of course I’m happy she’s back. I’m— more than happy, she’s alive and she’s here and it just… it feels like everything is okay, you know? She always made me feel like that. But then again, she fucking walked out on me and JJ for someone she was doing so well letting go of! She threw it all away, and for what? I don’t-- I just want _my_ Ellie back.”

She doesn’t like to think of the Ellie from the theatre, her shaky hands and her unsure voice, terrified eyes taking in Dina like it’d be the last time they’d ever see each other. But for some reason, when she thinks Ellie, that’s what she thinks of. Not the awkward, bad-joke-making girl that was too dense to realise that Dina had been flirting with her for years.

It’s not fair to Ellie, to Dina, but still, she can’t help it.

Maria nods understandingly. “She’ll come back. She came home, didn’t she? It’s a journey, Dina, and you know better than anyone that she’ll never reach the end of it without help.”

JJ’s asleep now, his head tucked into her neck, his hair baby-soft where it tickles the underside of her jaw. The fire flickers in the corner of the room, dancing red and orange and yellow across the floor. Dina gulps the rest of her drink.

“She said she’s sorry.”

Maria speaks carefully, “I’m sure she is.”

“She was pretty out of it.”

They lapse into a heavy silence; it blankets them and almost suffocates her. Dina’s tired of everything, honestly. She’d said it to Ellie, when she thought that they really had a chance at building a home out on that farm. She hadn’t realised then— she does now –that Ellie’s home would always be with Joel, here in Jackson. This is Ellie’s home, both of them had forgotten it for a while, the memory of Joel being too much because it brings up memories of Abby, of Seattle, of things they’d separately willed the other would forget about.

“Did I ever tell you… about a time, a couple years back, when Ellie ran off?” Maria’s voice is lighter now, amused for the story she’s about to tell.

“You didn’t.”

“Well… she was about sixteen, I think, she had a huge argument with Joel. She wanted to start patrols alone, but he barely let her on group patrols, he didn’t think she was ready. So then Ellie, headstrong and stubborn as ever,” Dina nods fondly, she’s well aware of teenage Ellie and her stubborn nature, “she just ran off. In the middle of the day. Snuck out of the gates easily, nobody even knew she was gone until she didn’t show up at Joel’s for dinner. He freaked out, of course, and then a coupl’a hours later, she just waltzes back in without a care in the world.”

Dina’s never heard this story before, but she’s consuming every little detail like it’s gold, watching Maria attentively. “Joel was furious right? Oh jeez, was this that time in April, she got grounded for like three weeks and wouldn’t tell me why,”

Maria laughs, “No, I think that was the time she started a fight in school with those boys. This was July time, I think. So, she shows up at the gate, we’re all there, gettin’ ready to go out an’ look for her, and she says, ‘I’ve covered the Northern Hills, they’re all clear,’ Joel _was_ furious.”

“Of course she did that,” Dina chuckles, “Ellie could never listen to anyone tell her no…” She trails off, “She still can’t.”

Maria coughs quietly, “Well… that’s Ellie for ya.”

They sit with that for a while, Dina lets the story wash over her, replays it again and again, trying to imagine teenage Ellie running around by herself fighting clickers like it’s nothing.

She leaves soon after the fire dies into embers.

JJ sleeps soundly, maybe he knows somehow that Ellie’s back, and it’s a comforting thought for him. It’s definitely a comforting thought for Dina, lying in her bed looking into darkness.

It makes her feel safe, even though she knows that Ellie is definitely too weak right now to really protect her, she knows that if something happened Ellie would find a way to stop it.

She always does.

Dina smiles to nobody, and for the first time in a while, there isn’t sorrow laced in with it. No, instead there’s hope, and relief, because Ellie’s home.

Ellie’s home.

* * *

_Four years earlier_

_“Whoah, grounded for three weeks? Shit, Ellie.”_

_Dina looks up at where Ellie’s perched on her windowsill. She makes it look easy, like she’s just sat on a chair, Ellie’s always been especially gifted in the climbing department._

_Ellie groans, “I know. Joel says I need to learn my lesson.”_

_A laugh bubbles out of Dina, her eyes meeting Ellie’s annoyed forest green gaze. Her eyes are really pretty, but whenever Dina informs Ellie of this simple fact, all she gets is a fuck off and an eye roll._

_“Why’d you even start that fight? They’ve been assholes forever, what was different today?”_

_Ellie’s cheeks glow red, distinct even at this distance. “I just felt like it.” Dina picks a pebble from the floor and launches it at Ellie, it misses but the sentiment remains._

_“Fuck off, freckles.”_

_Ellie scowls, her face screwing up in what’s probably supposed to be a threatening expression, but Dina just finds it endlessly endearing. “I’m not fucking with you, Di. I just felt like it.”_

_Di._

_“Good news though,” Ellie continues, a small grin making it’s way onto her face, “I thought of another joke, and I’ll think of many more while I’m learning my lesson. ”_

_Dina tilts her head expectantly; Ellie clears her throat dramatically like the dork she is. “What streets do ghosts haunt?”_

_She hums and shrugs. “I have no fucking clue.”_

_“Dead ends!”_

_It’s not funny, but Dina laughs at how stupid it is anyway while Ellie watches, clearly pleased with herself._

_They talk until the sun starts to sink in the sky and golden light floods the town of Jackson, pooling in the dips of Ellie’s face as she recounts exactly how she knocked that fucker Sam Klyne on his face with one well-aimed punch to the jaw._

_“I’d better go, freckles, or my mom’s gonna make me do hard time too.”_

_“It’s not hard time, fuck you!”_

_Dina gets to her feet, brushing off her legs nonchalantly, “Gladly.”_

_It takes a few seconds for Ellie to catch on, and when she does Dina glances up to see the girl blushing soft pink in the sun, Dina waves goodbye and smirks at Ellie’s sputtered goodbye._

_The smirk stays on her face all the way home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's ellie for ya


	3. help me start again

Three days pass before Ellie can't take it anymore.

The smell, the sounds, the memories. She can't take it, and so, like the coward she always has been, she runs.

Not far, but still, she gets away from that fucking clinic. People give her odd looks when she crosses into the main square, and Ellie can't blame them. She's a shell of her former self, she doesn't need anybody to tell her that for her to be aware of it.

She ends up at her bungalow, or, what used to be her bungalow. It's a storage garage now, filled with coats and boots and blankets in preparation for the next winter. She remembers before they'd moved out to the farm, she'd told Tommy to do whatever he wanted with her house. _It's not like I'll ever need it again,_ she'd said, and it sounds more like a death wish every time Ellie thinks about it.

The door is locked, but still Ellie sits, on the pathetic patch of grass that Dina tried so hard to turn into a garden a few years back. It hadn't worked, though the day had been fun, Ellie sitting on her doorstep strumming her guitar and occasionally laughing at the frustrated expression on Dina's face. She smiles softly at the memory.

Drowning in memories past makes it easier to forget about the pain that now washes out her life.

Nobody disturbs her, they probably don't want to approach her; she most likely looks like walking death, and then eventually her body just doesn't permit itself to stay awake any longer. She falls into a dreamless sleep, her head tilted back against the wall.

Hours pass, minutes maybe, it could've been a week and Ellie wouldn't care, and someone's shaking her shoulder, mumbling her name. Ellie shrugs them off her with a frown, stretching up into wakefulness with regret for sleeping in such an awkward position.

She looks around dazedly, eyes catching on the person knelt besides her. "Dina." Her voice is rough with sleep and barely concealed aching.

"You fucking escaped from the clinic? What the fuck, Ellie! You can barely even walk!" Dina's voice is stretched, and she's doing that thing with her hands where they wave around to emphasise whatever point she's making.

"I didn't– I _can_ walk!"

"That doesn't mean you should, Ellie! Goddammit, can you just not be stubborn for once in your life?" Her cheeks are painted red, Ellie feels the rising guilt in her stomach, _look how worried you made her._

"Okay. I– I just didn't want to stay there."

Something in Dina dissolves, her face softens into understanding and it's so familiar, it's too easy to imagine that Ellie had never done what she did. "You should have said something, not made a break for it."

Ellie nods, lets Dina's arms help her up, doesn't say anything when Dina's touch lingers where her missing fingers would be. "I know."

Dina laughs under her breath, the situation isn't funny, but the awkwardness layering the air around them is something to laugh at. Ellie would laugh too, not in joy but in hate, but she feels too empty to do anything but bask in Dina's presence, feel her laugh warm her skin like sunrays.

"Just—" Ellie looks up as Dina starts to speak, "Just don't disappear like that, okay?"

Ellie knows what Dina's referring to, and it makes her feel sick. Not like she's sick with hatred for herself, she is, but this is more like she's going to throw up sick. She does her best to act like this is not the case, though.

"I won't. I'm sorry."

"Good," Dina nods, her hand rests lightly on the small of Ellie's back, leading her away, away from the stupid patch of grass. "You can stay with me, if you want,"

Does Ellie deserve that? Dina's the wayowner of what's probably the kindest heart of anybody Ellie's ever met, but Ellie can't tell whether she's offering this because she feels like she has to or because she cares for her.

It's all just so fucking confusing.

Dina takes Ellie's silence for hesitance, "Or I could take you to Maria's, I'm sure she won't min—"

"Can I stay with you?" Ellie cuts her off, and Dina smiles easily, unfairly mesmerising in her kindness.

"Of course."

* * *

It becomes painfully obvious that Ellie isn't sure how to act anymore.

It pains Dina more than it probably should, she thinks back to countless nights of Ellie sprawled out on her couch like it was her own bed and then thinks of how now she sits on it as though Dina might kick her out at any second. 

"Can I hold him?" Ellie asks, a few hours after they get the all clear for Ellie to be able to leave the clinic. They're siting in the living room, Dina's fussing over JJ as he squeals in delight, she glances up to see Ellie looking at her hopefully.

Dina turns JJ in her arms so that he can see Ellie, who looks at him with softness that's always been reserved for the little boy. He stares at her for a few seconds before leaning back against Dina more, wriggling his arms and grinning shyly. It's clear he doesn't recognise her. Ellie's face falls a little, but still she reaches out, her right hand, the left one stays hidden in the pocket of her hoodie.

She touches his cheek lightly, he laughs gleefully, reaching out towards her. Dina watches as Ellie moves forward to pick him up like it's second nature before she catches herself and glances regretfully to Dina for permission. She nods with a smile that Ellie doesn't return because she's already looking back to JJ.

Their fingers brush when Ellie lifts JJ into her arms, Dina's eyes saddening at the sight of Ellie's left hand, but Ellie doesn't notice.

"Hi, JJ! I missed you!" Ellie bumps their foreheads together sweetly, "I really missed you buddy. You've gotten so big," She ruffles his dark hair, he stares up at her wonderingly.

This is her Ellie, Dina can't help the crushing relief she feels at the knowledge that Ellie is still here, she's still here.

"You were a tiny potato a couple months ago, now look at you!" Ellie holds him close, completely infatuated and unaware to anything else in the room, and Dina can't imagine how she's feeling so she doesn't interrupt.

She watches the pair for a little longer, listens to Ellie's murmurs meant just for JJ, smiles at the way he tugs on her hair. It's longer now, about the same length it was before she cut it, JJ's clearly happy with the new length being within his reach.

She goes off to make dinner soon enough, Ellie doesn't notice her leaving. Their mingling giggles drift through the house, audible even from the kitchen, Dina releases a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding.

Everything's a mess right now, that much is for sure, but Ellie's and JJ's voices cut through that mess like light through darkness, and Dina's sure it'll all be okay in the end.

* * *

"I'm feeling like a major third-wheeler over here."

Ellie looks up briefly, her eyes locking with Dina's. "Oh, I thought you were aware that JJ's my favourite. Aren't you?" She looks to the little boy for confirmation, he babbles happily and Ellie grins in triumph.

Dina shakes her head exasperatedly, folding her arms where she's leaning against the doorframe. "He's a little heart-stealer. He's got Lily from the Day-care in his pocket and he can't even talk yet,"

There's no helping the laugh that bubbles out of her, she smiles proudly down at JJ. "Stealing hearts since 2039," Ellie sinks a little further into the couch cushions, "Joel told me once about how before the outbreak, people used to get things like that on T-shirts and stuff. He said that Tommy got him a shirt that said _Asshole since 1984_ for his sixteenth birthday."

It's strange, to talk about Joel in past tense, to say _Joel did_ instead of _Joel does_ , but with the hurt is happiness, the joy that stems from remembering him as the brave, funny man who'd always be there for her, whether he was alive or not. She hasn't spent time talking about Joel like this, maybe she should've, but for so long the thought of Joel carried anger, a need for revenge and justice.

Ellie sighs, hugging JJ closer. "We should write that on a shirt for him,"

"What, asshole since 1984?"

"No idiot, I meant _stealing hearts since 2039_. We could give it to him for his sixteenth birthday."

Dina chuckles in agreement, Ellie's heart does a little flip at the prospect of watching JJ grow up. They'd imagined him spending most of his childhood on the farm, but in Jackson things are different, Ellie knows that. She also knows that eventually, many years down the line, he's going to want to see the world outside of Jackson, he's going to want to do patrols and— Ellie's not sure she'll ever be ready for that.

This parenthood thing is really bringing out her inner Joel.

They eat dinner together, Ellie eats as much of the soup she can hold down, which isn't much. She hates the sad look that passes over Dina's features when she excuses herself from the table apologetically.

She falls to her knees in the bathroom, hunched over the toilet, throwing up the little food she's eaten today. It's become quite a common theme in her life recently, throwing up. Every time she does, she hears Joel's soothing voice, feels his big hand patting her back, the rumble of his muttered apologies because it had been his shit cooking that gave her food poisoning.

Something warm presses against her neck, she coughs, "Joel?" But it's Dina, holding her hair back.

"It's okay, El, let it all out,"

El.

* * *

_Four years earlier_

"Hey El, your old man is heading towards us and he does not look happy."

Ellie glances over her shoulder to see Joel, coming towards them and not looking happy. She sighs, "Shit."

She pushes Dina's shoulder lightly and tries not to focus too much on how the tips of her fingers brush the skin of Dina's neck. "You'd better run, or he might kill you too, we don't want that happening."

Dina sighs dramatically, "My knight in shining armour." She leans into Ellie's side, Ellie has to put an arm behind her to steady herself. They're perched on the fence by the empty land that stretches out behind the main town, Ellie knows that next week she'll most likely be back here fixing up the land with Joel for some new huts to be built.

Ellie frowns, "Who, Joel?"

Dina slips off the fence, pushing her hair back, it's getting long, Ellie can't help but love it more than she should, "You're so clueless, freckles,"

It's something Dina says to her at least twice a day. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Dina reaches down to pick up Ellie's discarded flannel laying on the floor, she tugs it on over her shirt and grins up at her, "It's cute." Then she's gone, dodging Joel and skipping off back towards the main square.

Ellie's eyes trail after her until Joel steps into her line of sight, his slightly sunburned face red with anger. Fuck.

"Ellie," He says in his country drawl, folding his arms against his chest. She has a feeling she knows what this is about, her stomach flutters with nerves at the thought.

"Joel. What's up?"

He exhales, rubbing the crease between his drawn eyebrows, "Please tell me you didn't beat up Frank Dawson."

Ellie curses under her breath, so this is about what she'd thought it would be. Shit. She thinks back to how she'd swung her fist right into that fucker's face, his chest, as many times as she could before someone pulled her back.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Joel glowers at her, "C'mon, Ellie. I heard it from almost five different people. Did you beat him up?"

She looks away, tries to ignore the warning bells go off in her head, the way her palms have started to sweat, the shake in her hands, "Yeah."

He groans, runs a hand through his greying hair, "You can't just throw punches at anyone you want, Ellie. It don't work like that here, alright? This ain't the QZ."

"I know that."

"Well, you'll have to apologise to him. Maybe fix that roof of his."

Ellie scoffs, jumping off the fence and drawing herself up, she's almost the same height as him now. She looks him hard in the eye, he holds her gaze readily. "I'm not fucking apologising."

He raises his eyebrows, "Yes you will, or it'll be two weeks grounded _and_ patrol suspension. You want that?"

She'd already been suspended from patrol last month. It's such a stupid punishment, surely it's a good thing to have more people available for patrol, especially people who actually want to go. She clenches her jaw, shakes her head, "Of course I don't want that. But I'm not apologising to that asshole."

"Ellie." He says sternly, in what she secretly calls his dad voice. She hears Jesse's dad using it all the time, with Joel it's rarer.

"Joel."

"What'd he do that was so bad you can't apologise? The guy's chin is fucking purple, I think that deserves some sorrow."

"I can't– it wasn't what he did–"

"Well then what? He call you a name? It's not an excuse to fuckin' beat him up!"

"Joel–"

"Ellie–"

"He was talking shit about me! Okay?"

Joel pauses, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "That's it?" He seems to get angrier, Ellie hates it when he's like this, especially when she's sure she shouldn't be on the recieving end of his glare.

"And Cat. He was talking shit about her too." There's no going back now.

Joel nods and scratches his beard, off guard and clearly processing this new information, "Cat's the... She's the tall one? Uh... Blonde hair?"

That's Cat. Tall, taller than Ellie, hair that Ellie swears up and down is the same colour as the half-empty jar of honey hidden in Joel's kitchen, oak-tree eyes. She's pretty; Ellie blushes slightly at that thought.

"Yeah. She's the one who helped me with the painting I did for you."

He softens at the mention of that. "Still ain't no reason to deck him, but I know how riled up you can get. What'd he say?"

Ellie hesitates. Should she tell him? There's still time for her to back out, she could just make some shit up and she could go back to living in fear of him finding out. Or, she could just toughen up and tell him.

She can do it.

"Um... it was about... well, Cat was holding my hand... and..."

This just confuses him, his gruff voice lost when he says, "So? You hold hands with that Dina girl all the time." He's so dense sometimes, Ellie wants to scream at him.

She is scared, in a way that she never has been before. Infected have long since stopped scaring her, they've stopped threatening to emerge from every dark corner Ellie ever sees. She's not afraid of the dark, of guns, hell, she's not even afraid of dying. And that's fucking messed up, she's aware, but she doesn't have the strength to unpack that thought, not by herself anyway, and the mere thought of even mentioning her maybe-deathwish to anybody is a horror in itself.

But– losing Joel? She's fucking terrified of it.

"It's not the– it's not the same thing." Is it?

His forehead wrinkles with thinking-lines, "What do you mea–" He catches himself, and Ellie sees it: the exact second he realises what she means. His comfortingly familiar eyes widen, the anger dissipates into shock, his weight shifts more to the fence. "Oh."

Ellie watches him carefully.

" _Oh_ ," He coughs in that old–man way, a sound that she can place in countless memories because his coughs always sound the same. "I– oh."

He's at a loss for words, but Ellie's not done with her explanation yet, she has to tell him, just fucking do it. "I really like her."

Joel nods firmly, seemingly regaining some sense of his composure. "She's a nice girl. You gonna... ask her to the dance next week? Sweep her off her feet?" His words trip over themselves lightly, betraying the carefulness laced in with them, the hesitancy and unsureness. But his eyes are earnest.

"How ancient are you? _Sweep her off her feet,_ this isn't the fucking nineties old man." She shoves his shoulder, he laughs heartily, an arm coming up to pull her into his chest. Ellie leans into him, into his warmth and the smell of home and wood that followed him everywhere.

"Really, though," He says seriously, "I ain't ever gonna judge you for who you like, okay? I don't give a shit whether it's a girl or a boy, just treat them right and don't fool around, got it?"

His voice rumbles through his chest, she feels it against where her back is pressed. She sinks further back. "Got it."

They stand and look out over the bare land, the wall of Jackson where they can see the guards moving in their towers, small at this distance. The sun is getting ready to start lowering, it's at that weird suspension where all the light is a little more red, the sky lightening where it'll soon darken out and reveal countless stars. Ellie wonders if Joel would like to stargaze with her later. Neither of them are any good at finding the constellations, but they still enjoy looking at the pictures of the book they picked up a few months ago, trying to trick the other into thinking they'd found the Big Dipper.

"Maybe we should fix Dawson's roof, then accidently leave a few more holes in it. And then when it rains, that fucker'll get what he deserves." Joel muses, breaking the comfortable silence.

They don't have these kinds of talks often enough, Joel isn't big on sharing and subsequently neither is she, a habit she's certain stems from him. It's not great when there are things that usually need to be said, but they manage. They always do, they always will.

"Thanks Joel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stealing hearts since 2039
> 
> come yell at me on tumblr @elliefvckingwilliams


	4. everything has to start somewhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update schedule? i've never heard of such a thing. 
> 
> (things are moving slowly but just go with it ,, plot will develop next chapter) 
> 
> enjoy the chapter !

Ellie finds herself in the quiet suspension of blissfully lonely silence, here on the outskirts of Jackson. The gravelled path crunches underneath her boots, the fresh breeze cools her cheeks as she walks. It's remarkably peaceful now, just before the clock hits six in the morning and everybody starts to wake up to trample over this moment that she's cherishing so well.

The mountains loom overhead, capped with the kind of pristine snow that you couldn't even dream up. She stands in their shadows, dwarfed by their being the same way she used to be dwarfed by Joel. She's so small, a tiny speck next to giants.

There's a joyous cry from far behind her, back in the town, perhaps it's one of the farmers realising that the stray winter ice has finally cleared. Ellie looks back over her shoulder, through the few trees dotted about, sighing as she realises it's probably time to head home. She told Dina she'd be back in an hour, and she doesn't want to cause her more worry than she already has. Ellie of all people knows that Dina's had enough worry for a lifetime.

She turns from the mountains, setting her back to them as she stalks back up the field. The long grass twists and untwists around her ankles, her hands only shake slightly where they've been resting at her sides. They've been shaking less and less recently, Harper from the clinic is sure that in a few weeks or so she will be able to stop them from shaking at all. Ellie doesn't really believe it, but Dina does, so also tries to.

Dina's actually the one who suggested morning walks, last week after she'd found Ellie sitting blankly in the living room at four in the morning. Dina had led her by the arm out of their house, their footsteps almost mirroring the thumping of Ellie's heart in her chest. They'd walked in comfortable silence, and Ellie hadn't felt any need to fill it, she'd just admired the scenery and allowed herself to feel alive. And every morning since then, she'd done the same.

It's helping her, _healing her_ , as Dina puts it. The first nights at Dina's had been... eventful to say the least, screaming night terrors and anxiety attacks left and right. She'd been unable to hold any food down. It was fucking horrible, but she felt worse when she saw how stressed Dina was getting. Things are better now, and anything that's worse Ellie makes sure to keep quiet.

She leaves her shoes on the porch as not to track mud through Dina's house, socked feet padding across the hardwood through the entryway. The old floor creaks under her steps, the well-loved couch receives her weight with comforting warmth. She sinks into the cushions, reaching for one of the torn comics laying on the table.

Time turns like the pages of her comic until Ellie's broken out of her haze of words and peace by the sharpness of a baby's cry upstairs. Footsteps creak overhead signalling Dina's wakefulness. Ellie gets up with a sigh, stretching as she drops the comic back onto the coffee table and makes for the stairs.

She knocks lightly on Dina's bedroom door, ignoring the longing pang in her chest because it used to be her bedroom too. "Come in," Dina's voice sounds from inside, Ellie eases the door open and slips into the dim room.

The curtains are still drawn, torn slightly so to allow a few rays of morning sun into the room. Light breeze drifts through the air from where Dina's cracked the window open a little bit, it lifts a few strands of hair off her face. JJ's crib is chipped white painted wood, not too different from the paint by the door that's in desperate need of a fix-up.

"Morning," Ellie says, taking JJ from Dina's outstretched arms and settling herself on the armchair in the corner. Dina stares at her blearily, still red-cheeked from sleep. She looks so warm, Ellie aches for the time when she would've been able to cuddle up next to her, even to just sit on the bed with her.

Dina smiles, "Sleep well?" Ellie barely slept at all.

She'll never say that though. _Enough worry for a lifetime._

"Yeah," Dina's eyes narrow, "Did this little guy let you sleep at all?" Ellie lifts JJ into a standing position on her lap.

"He did, actually. We only got up once."

JJ squirms in her arms as Dina rubs sleep out of her eyes and excuses herself off to the bathroom. Their routine is one that slips by unnoticeably, they just _do_ it. Ellie changes JJ and gives him his bottle, Dina walks past the couch with a feather-light finger trailing across Ellie's shoulder as she goes. It's a movement that months ago Ellie would have relished, yet now she overthinks it to the point where she hasn't realised Dina's been telling her to put her shoes on for the last two minutes.

" _Ellie_?"

Ellie looks up like a deer in headlights, JJ giggles in her arms, she clears her throat awkwardly. "Right, right, _shoes_. I've got it."

Breakfast at the dining hall is something Ellie had protested against resolutely. She didn't want to be around other people, didn't want to see them stare, hear them whisper. Dina had practically blown up, a rare feat that Ellie will never admit shook her to her fucking core.

_"No, Ellie! We're going to the dining hall, that's final! We've spent the last two weeks eating breakfast here, don't you think it's time you started getting out again?"_

_"But– they'll look, I don't want... I don't want them to look, Dina,"_

Dina had apologised afterwards, maybe she'd seen Ellie wince when she started shouting. She'd wrapped her arms around Ellie's shoulders and rested her chin on Ellie's head, murmuring a thousand sorry's that Ellie didn't deserve.

She went to the dining hall the next day.

And the next and the next and the next. It was as bad as Ellie thought it'd be, but— Dina makes everything better so she was fine. It was fine.

They're here now, with Ellie trying to eat as quickly as possible in an attempt to not have to spend too long being that exposed. _You have to start being around other people again, Ellie._ Everybody fawns over JJ, they always do, and he's so much like Dina in the way that he loves it, giggling happily as though he knows he looks extra cute whenever he does that.

They leave after a while, walking until Dina tugs on Ellie's sleeve to stop her. Ellie startles, looking down to see two pairs of dark eyes staring back at her. "This is my stop, freckles. I'll see you later?" Ellie hadn't realised that they'd reached the clinic.

She nods. "Of course," She lets Dina hand her JJ, reaches over to give her a quick half embrace before pulling back with a grin that she hopes doesn't look half as longing as it is, "Have a nice day,"

Dina leaves with a goodbye on her lips and a small wave that Ellie tries her best to return whilst holding JJ. She doesn't leave until she sees Dina enter the clinic, then she's power walking back towards the day care where JJ's going to spend the rest of his day.

"You ready for day-care, buddy?" Ellie gives him a gentle squeeze, he laughs gleefully and tugs her hair in return. She winces , but— deep down she loves it. "Yeah, you're totally ready. You know you're already so much cooler than all the other kids? You've read better comics than them, you almost almost almost _almost_ know how to kind of but not really play a guitar chord, you have the best name! Jesse Joel, what a cool little dude," They near the day care building, Ellie lifts JJ to eye-height and presses their foreheads together, smiling at the way his nose scrunches in happiness.

Dropping JJ off is harder than she'd thought it would be, and it's like that every morning. Dina had warned her, _it's like you just don't want to let go of him_ , but Ellie hadn't realised how serious she was until the first time she was about to hand JJ over to Lily (one of the volunteers) and she just couldn't leave him. She did eventually, but not without a wrenching pain in her heart as she looked back over her shoulder to see his chubby cheeks puffed up with a parting smile.

Then it's to the storage houses for her. Maria had suggested that Ellie actually do something with her day, and it had been an unspoken agreement between Maria and Dina that Ellie wouldn't be doing patrol, at least for a while. So, inventory it was, the most boring fucking job out there, but she knows it makes Dina happy that she's getting out, and that's good enough a reason to keep showing up.

Ellie's on time like she always is, stepping into the battered building where the fruits of a few recent supply runs lay scattered about in boxes.

The house has that kind of lingering damp smell, the one that'll never go away no matter what. Ellie thinks somebody old definitely used to live here. The floorboards are scratched up, discoloured in splatters like somebody had tried to bleach a stain off and failed. She sighs, tugging her jacket off and laying in on the side. She crouches down and gets to work.

It's a repetitive process, almost on the verge of mind-numbing, but that's good because it stops her mind from going places it shouldn't. Ellie stacks cans up on the utility shelves, notes down how many there are in the log-book, sorts out ammo and counts that too. Being two fingers down makes it difficult sometimes, but Ellie's not one to complain so she grits her teeth and just does it. She's in the middle of trying to pry open a health kit when there's a cough from behind her, followed by a voice, "Jesus, you really _have_ lost weight. And fingers."

Ellie's heart jumps in surprise, she spins round to see fucking Cat of all people leaning against the wall. She sighs, muscles loosening from their sudden tensed state, " _Fuck_ , Cat!"

Cat's honey gold eyes are inquisitive as she continues to stare at Ellie in a way that once probably would've sent her heart haywire, but now makes her oddly uncomfortable. "Sorry, that was rude. But... you look so much smaller now," Cat's face washes over with a pity that Ellie's surprised to find she appreciates.

She scoffs. "We can't all be fucking giants like you, Cat."

Cat's always been taller than her, a feat that used to get her subjected to multiple piggy-back rides and boosts up into trees and other shit like that. Her hair has always been longer than Ellie's too, Ellie used to promise that one day she'd learn how to braid it (a weak excuse to be able to run her hands through Cat's soft looking hair), but– she never did.

"Ha ha. Very funny," Cat kicks off the wall nonchalantly, closing in on Ellie like a moth to light, "I didn't know you were working here. I didn't even know you were back until I heard it from fucking patrol Ryan."

Ellie can't help the almost-laugh that leaves her lips at the mention of Ryan. "He's still around? I thought he'd have gotten himself fucking killed by now."

"Yeah he's still around, the dick. Asked me out again last week you know. If he does it again I'm actually going to kick him in the balls this time," She shifts to her knees, shuffling closer to where Ellie's sitting. She brings with her the trailing scent of bakery-baked bread, probably a result of Cat's dad being the town's best baker. Ellie used to lean into Cat's warm scent, now she sits a friendly distance away and marvels at how she used to obsess over it, hurting only a little bit over how much easier things had been back then.

"You say that every time," Ellie points out.

"That's true. You never know, maybe this could be our fucked up love story. _Cat and Ryan, the story of a million turn downs and the one time he got it right!_ "

Ellie shakes her head with an amused scoff, reaching for the log book as Cat starts organising the tablet sleeves. Oh. Ellie hadn't realised that Cat was working here too. "You think you'll end up together?" Ellie asks distractedly.

"I used to think I'd end up with you,"

She almost chokes on air, drops the book to the floor in quickly-regretful shock that seems to only amuse Cat, who, at seeing how thrown Ellie is by her words, tries immediately to calm her down, "Past tense, idiot. I used to—" She laughs breathily, "I used to think that. We didn't work out, and you've got Dina now."

That makes Ellie straighten up right away, mind crashing into the memories where she used to be able to say proudly, _mine mine mine, her's her's her's._ Ellie will always be Dina's, but Dina's never going to be Ellie's again, at least not in the same way. Ellie takes a rattling breath, _you're such a fucking idiot, Williams, you really are._ "I don't anymore."

Cat wolf whistles teasingly, her artist's fingers lightly shoving at Ellie's shoulder. "You fucked it up?"

Understatement of the fucking century.

"Yeah. I'm kind of an asshole."

Cat laughs, a laugh that stems right from her stomach and all the way up, it's filled with all the things Ellie used to love. It makes her nostalgic, in a way.

"You don't think I know that?"

Ellie stiffens in kind of mock offense, "Fuck you! You were an asshole too,"

That's true. Cat had been a real jerk at the beginning, snarky and sarcastic and, well, exactly like Ellie. They'd argue over everything, _no your way sucks, let's do it my way_ , Cat liked being right but so did Ellie, to the point where she'd do anything just to come out on top.

Cat doesn't argue Ellie's point, she just sits back on her heels with a sigh. "I know."

"I'm still an asshole, sometimes."

"Me too."

* * *

_five years ago_

"Fucking inventory! Of all the fucking jobs!" Ellie drops into her chair with a frustrated groan, her fists clenched and her cheeks hot with anger.

Dina watches on with barely contained amusement. "It's not that bad."

"Easy for you to say! You get to go on patrol,"

Ellie had begged and begged and _begged_ for Joel to let her go on patrols. She'd given him good reasons and promised to be safe, but he had been adamant that she was too young. Fucking prick.

Dina shifts in the worn armchair, glancing towards where the clocks been ticking away on the wall. Ellie doesn't know how Dina hasn't smashed that clock yet, it's so fucking annoying. "Speaking of, I'm due to head out with the group in like fifteen minutes. You sleeping over later?"

Ellie gets to her feet with a shrug, taking her jacket from Dina's offering hand. Their fingers brush, but Ellie's too worked up to obsess over it right now. Or maybe she isn't. She can spend some time thinking of how soft Dina's skin is in comparison to hers, how cold in comparison to Ellie's heated palms, how–

"We don't have all day, freckles."

They leave Dina's house briskly, mid-winter chill following them as they do. Everyone's hoping for some more snow in time for Christmas, most of the snow that fell last week has cleared into that horrible ice mush that's a pain to walk on. Ellie secretly hopes it doesn't snow, half because she hates it and half because it'll piss everyone off.

She watches Dina head into the stables longingly, wishing nothing more than to be able to go with her, beyond these fucking walls and out into the world around them. She wants to fuck up some infected. She wants to experience the thrill of combat, hear the sounds of gunshots, even if it'll only numb the stinging of her forearm for a brief period. She rubs the chemical burn self-consciously.

Ellie hasn't told Joel about the real reason she wants to go out on patrol. How exactly do you explain to somebody that killing infected is the only thing that makes you feel like you have a purpose? Like your immunity could mean something? She hasn't told him that the fact that all the other patrols are so vulnerable to getting bitten makes her feel sick, either. She'll probably never tell him.

She sits outside until it's time for her inventory shift, a bad decision on her part because when she does show up at the storage unit, her nose is red and her fingers feel frozen. She shakes ice off her boots before entering the well-lit room, sighing audibly at the relieving warmth that receives her.

The room is a mixture of crates full of supplies in need of counting and sorting, upturned boxes with lamps propped on top of them, blankets spread out as makeshift carpets on thescuffed hardwood floor. Harsh white from the windows mingles with the warm yellow of the lamps, creating an inexplicably comforting atmosphere. She's staring around curiously when a voice startles her,

"You're fucking late."

Ellie spins round to see a girl sprawled out in the corner of the room, light hair fanned around her head like a golden halo. Ellie frowns. "No I'm not."

"You are."

She sits up, and _shit_. Ellie stares blankly, at her eyes, like what Ellie imagines pools of honey would look like, cheeks dusted with slight pink, mouth downturned in-- in a scowl.

Ellie scowls right back, her sudden infatuation drifting to the back of her mind for some late-night considering later. "Well, you could've started. You didn't have to wait for me."

The girl scoffs, shuffling closer before unfolding her limbs into a height taller than Ellie. She stretches, the smirk on her face showing that she definitely knows that Ellie's not concentrating on much right now.

"Hmm, I didn't want to ruin all the fun for you."

Ellie finds out later that the girl's name is Cat. She finds out that Cat's lived here all her life, has surprisingly good knowledge about the town people and their entire fucking lives, including Ellie's. _You hang around with Dina a lot, right? I reckon Jesse's got a huge crush on her._ Ellie moves pretty quickly from the subject of Dina and crushes though, it lights a weird guilt in her stomach that she'd rather not feel.

Cat's an artist, apparently, she has a tattoo gun that her mom gave her a few years back, and she's been practicing on the teen boys who are stupid enough to let her. Cat grins when she tells Ellie she's getting pretty good at it, but Ellie doesn't hear much because Cat's hand is on her arm, slender fingers curled slightly.

"Fuck you! The arrows were supposed to go over here!" Cat points exaggeratedly at a crate across the room.

Ellie rolls her eyes, dropping the pills she'd been counting with a huff. "You made me lose fucking count, thanks a lot."

They argue like that once, twice, three times before they stop counting how many times, until their shift is up and Ellie's ducking out of the door, throwing a goodbye over her shoulder at Cat behind her.

She spends the entire walk home with Cat on her mind, and that leads to an urge to deck Joel for making her sign up for fucking inventory in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fucking inventory
> 
> yell at me on tumblr @elliefvckingwilliams
> 
> (leave a comment please i need validation)

**Author's Note:**

> ellie fucking williams
> 
> (leave a comment please i need validation)


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